A Want for Nothing

Please pardon my absence. I have gone on a transformational journey to explore my innermost wants and desires in effort to offer myself a taste of completeness. I have sought to be submerged in nature, the company of good friends and family, as well as to delve into that which I wish to pursue the most: fulfilling a purpose.

In an attempt to live life in love, an old moral compass of mine, I have found that everything is at times completely underwhelming. Those in which you could not envision your life without were not present during your metamorphosis. It is disappointing to find your promise in change, only to have others spite you. I was honestly shocked at responses I received on behalf of my new found happiness after divorce. There were petty comments about my failure, jealous insults regarding my fearlessness, but the most shocking of all was the cliche statements regarding a Prince Charming waiting for me.  One individual told me that I would be selfish to not jump into the first relationship that slapped me in the face. Well, that's not exactly verbatim, but the point is the same. I find this logic ridden with flaws. Instead of shoving the idea that I need someone else in my life to offer me stability, love or happiness, maybe the primary focus should be to become the completeness I desire from someone else.

It is critical following the loss of a relationship, regardless if it was the mind-blowing backlash of some shot gun rage or a peaceful separation of ways, to spend time being the person that you expected your partner to be. In doing all the things for yourself that you so much needed from someone else, you will find that you never needed anyone else. I hate the idealistic conception that someone else will complete you. You can be complemented, but to be complete, that's not anyone else's responsibility. Expecting someone else to be your savior makes you a child, incapable of understanding, participating, and actively reciprocating love. Being dependent on another person to give yourself purpose will never satisfy you or your partner. Take responsibility for what you want.

To live in love is impossible. To be the love you wish to see in the world, to touch the hearts of strangers and to give the world hope that there is still some common grace left in the world, that is what's attainable. In pursuit of exploring and experiencing, I have discovered the strength I needed to move past the juvenile mentality of entitlement. Escaping a dead relationship was the key to the open-hearted future promised on a sun kissed summer day.

The most important part of this journey is the self-discovery you will uncover. Finding the old keepsakes in the bottom of boxes, uncovering the adventure in yourself you had forgotten, holding on to that open heart after you have mended the pieces again; these are the things that make waking up with the hope of a tomorrow worth it. Don't let the baggage or the pettiness get to you. Be your own phoenix. Be grateful for the strength you have derived against the odds. It is all a blessing, and the happiness will find you and terrify you in the most thrilling ways when you least expect it. Cheers to continual, everlasting growth and may you always find enlightenment in unsuspecting situations.

The Mirage of Distance

Distance is healthy. However, distance can also be a double-edged sword. With distance, we are able to relocate the parts of ourselves that were trapped behind the cloak of working for the name of necessity. But at times, we find ourselves forgetting the damage that was done, and out of a vicious scream of loneliness, we convince ourselves that the damage could have been a chance of victory, instead of the defeat you feel in your heart.

I have always lived with the mindset that life is not about a destination, but rather about the journey. In this, I am able to see the struggle before me as obstacles, and only that. Nothing will stop me from the impact I desire to impart on the world. With putting a failing relationship above my own goals, I fell short of my own expectations for myself. This was the tragedy. By changing the perspective of looking at the situation when you feel defeated, you will realize that you deserved better. For you. And the reason you feel so defeated is because you know that you knew better than to sacrifice all your dreams for the happiness of someone else, because you deserved that happiness in yourself just as much as they deserved to be happy.

Marriage changes people. It is critical that your partner is as adept at working together as you are. You never really know someone until you are in the worst situation possible. You'll never really love someone if you can't love them at their worst. This cycle is critical to the development of any relationship, but particularly a marriage. By not accepting each other's faults, a wall is built of resentment, of distance. This distance challenges the innermost foundation of your relationship. If you can't keep it together when everything is falling apart, it isn't going to work. This is how my relationship fell apart. Breaking down those walls is challenging, but necessary if there is any hope to salvage any part of your relationship.

Distance after a divorce is crucial for rebuilding. But at a certain point, when the loneliness sinks in and the heart break hits you, it is easy to want to fall back on the person you tried to build a life with. It is hard. I know it. But trying to find the strength you need in that person didn't work the first time. It hasn't worked. There is nothing more rewarding than finding the strength you desired so much to find in your partner in yourself. Don't let the distance trick you. You have made it this far and you have been stronger than you ever had been. Keep on keeping on.

Progress is Progress

Patience is a virtue I never exercised properly with relationships. I always thought that when it felt right, it felt right. I never let myself believe that I had seen the red flags with my ex-husband until I got away from him. Then, and then only, it became so clear that I had seen the impending doom for so long it felt like I had willed it to happen.

Red Flag #1: Financial Dependence

He was ambitious when I met him. I thought that he would take me great places, that we would build an empire together, fulfill our dreams and make a great life. It was perfect in the beginning. I couldn't have been more swept off my feet. But then problems began to arise. He fell into financial trouble. I ran to save the day, calling on all favors from friends, taking loans out to pay for his failures. I thought this was just a bad string of luck and we would surpass the struggles and carry on. Men who cannot manage their own messes make terrible partners. This was the number one reason for our arguments, and my loss of faith in him.

Red Flag #2: Emotional Disconnect

My ex was the strong and silent type. I thought he reminded me of my father in that sense. But, I was very wrong. Strong and silent does not mean completely unwilling to communicate or mend issues with their partner. Very early in the relationship I noticed this, and addressed it. However, I knew myself and my needs in a partner, in which I should've seen that he would never be able to emotionally connect with me on the intimate level I desired.

Red Flag #3: Inability to Pursue Desires

The main reason I stopped being attracted to my ex was due to the fact that I had set out to catch the world on fire, and he had every intention to get there, except needed my push. I helped him with his applications to graduate school, paid for their submissions with my own loan debt, and supported him after we relocated to pursue my education. He decided he didn't want to work for the first few months, while I carried the burden myself, working through graduate school even though it was killing my grades. He chose not to help me, when I needed him the most. He fell victim to his own sorrows, but it really wasn't enough of an excuse. When he found out he had been rejected from graduate school, things went from bad to worse and ended in our messy split.

Red Flag #4: Untreated Mental Illness

I really didn't see this peep its' ugly head until the very end, but I knew it all along. My ex-husband had a way of fabricating past events into the story he wanted it to be and then believing that instead of the actual course of events. We had trouble, yes, and I did and said things I am surely not proud of. However, he did his equal share. He seems to forget how awful he was through the course of our relationship, and holds me accountable for his bad behavior. Honestly, I acted poorly because I did not sign up to be a mother in marrying him. I needed a partner and I didn't know how to convince a 30 year old man to "Man Up." He resented me for this, and still acts like everything I did wrong was completely mean spirited and malicious, but when he went off the deep end and said terrible things, I should think that is funny. The farther I get away from him, I see his familial inherited untreated bipolar disorder. I begged him to seek help, but he was so hung up on getting a diagnosis, that he didn't ever want to treat it. He is convinced that the raging ups and downs are normal life, and doesn't believe that treating the illness would make it better. I only wish he loved me enough to know how wrong that is to do to your partner.

Red Flag #5: The Double Standard

It is wrong to hold yourself on different ground rules than your partner. My ex-husband lived by a different code: He could do no wrong, and I would never live up to his standards. I poured out everything for this man. I lost friends, family, and opportunities so I could make him happier. I tried so hard to put myself second for so long, I finally exploded. This is the mind-scrambler, the most dangerous of relationships. They mess your head up into believing that what you are is never good enough, and then POP, you can't take it anymore. When I realized what had happened, and how much I really resented him for thinking that he was in the right, I thought I was going to catch on fire from the sheer anger. I bought myself an engagement ring because he couldn't get even that together. I'm serious, stay away from the mind scramblers. They are a messy lot no one deserves.

Believe the red flags you see. It's not worth a lifetime of misery to stay with someone just because you honored them in marriage. Looking at the situation from an outside perspective has given me the strength to never go back to that situation. He took so much advantage of my love for him that I know for certain he will never meet someone again that would do as much as I did for him. And I pray the universe never brings me anyone as cruel and heartless as he is ever again. Hold fast in your strength, fight through the anger and the pain because it will be worth it to get away from it. People who do not make you feel like yourself when you are with them are not people that deserve to be in your life. Devastating all your bridges is not worth it for someone else. Be you. Make yourself whole. No one  else will ever bring you that satisfaction. Love is dangerous, and we need to be on guard for letting people into our lives who do not belong there. After all, you are the only person you ever have to wake up next to ever again. Enjoy it.

Call Your Mother

Carelessly searching through my news feed, I came across an article regarding what all twenty-something young women should have before they are 25. Half expecting the article to contain pictures of the newest trends in nail polish or fashion, I apprehensively opened the link. I was surprised to find a discussion of advice on how to complete oneself as a woman in early stages of adulthood. I found this encouraging.

Amongst the items that struck out most to me was the ideal that a young woman should have a relationship with her mother, whether that be healthy or healthily distanced. I thought about this concept briefly and then carried on with my day, but the thought came back to me as I sat in the backseat of a car, watching my parents interacting together while they presumed I was only reading a book. I watched in awe as they flirted with each other from their respective seats in the car, holding hands, being silly. It saddened me to think of my brief marriage and how far my husband and I had drifted from the simple, silly things that once held us so close together and stitched the patchwork of our comfortably numb existence,  resulting in demise. 

My parents never had a perfect marriage, it wasn't a cookie cutter. They faced difficult challenges in building a life together, as all marriages do. They separated briefly, years ago. But despite the resentment my siblings and I felt for my father for leaving, a selfish and childish resentment without the patience only understanding can give us, my mother took him back. She welcomed and accepted his faults. She forgave him. And after nearly thirty years of marriage, they still do the stupid stuff that kids do. They still hold hands, something I don't remember the last time I did so with my husband. I don't even remember any sincere touch after saying our vows. And though this is utterly depressing, at the same time it offers me relief. Not that holding hands is the deal breaker of a successful marriage, but that my marriage lacked that forgiving, hopelessly intimate aspect that lets you embrace vulnerability and security.

Through the course of the road trip on our adventure, I contemplated the relationship I have with my mother and how it differs from the relationship she holds with my siblings. My sister, a stubborn brute of a woman with no regard to the perspective of others, views my mother as an equal. She only reaches out to her when she needs someone to talk to or to run errands with. She belittles my mother to her in-laws and treats her as an object of convenience, not as someone who fostered her childhood and sacrificed her dreams to be my sister's mother. 

My brother sees my mother as a virtue of solace. To him, my mother is the only person he can tell everything to, without her judgement. Her love for him is so translucent, even when he argues with her. He calls her to discuss ideas, find answers, to relieve stress. To him, she is the sounding board in which he finds his moral compass.

My mother made me promise when my father left that I would follow a path that led me to a career in which I would never need to rely on anyone to make ends meet. This was one of the most impacting moments in my childhood. And through all of the anger and the hatred, I promised her. And I meant every word. To me, my mother is my anchor, a beacon of hope, the light house that always provides for the safe arrival home at the ideals in which I preserve my identity. She is my own role model. I wish I had her everlasting, faithful compassion. Her ability to love unconditionally is not a skill, but a habit. She knows no other purpose in life. Through all of the challenges in my life, she has rejoiced in my triumphs as if they were her own, as if I had been fulfilling her dreams for herself. With each one of those minor successes, I know deep down that I will continue to challenge myself in attempt at becoming more than I am today, tomorrow. She will always be the reason I fight, because she lit the fire within my innermost being so many years ago with a promise made, a promise kept.

I liked to think that I modeled my relationship after that of my parents, but it really falls short. Love really isn't all you need, even though I really wish it were. My ex and I on the surface modeled them, but when it came down to the struggles, when it came down to the devastating let downs over and over again, I wasn't compassionate enough and he wasn't near as dedicated. As of late have I begun to appreciate the endless challenge of salvaging a relationship instead of walking away. I believe it truly is harder to stay with someone who wronged you, to forgive them and to carry on, knowing that the love you share outweighs all of the costs of the harm you were inflicted. But with that struggle, it must be carried by both parties. My husband didn't have it in him to forgive me and move on, and I couldn't take any more of the blame, especially when it had encroached the antiquated promise I had made and fully intend to keep. Working it out isn't for every relationship. Sometimes, where you're at is the only option. I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone who I would never rise above the faults I had committed. I know that there is so much more to me than the bad decisions I have made or the losses I have suffered. 

Growth doesn't happen all at once, and it is important to focus on ever bettering yourself. Always. Becoming comfortably numb leads to demise in all aspects of life, whether it be your relationship or your career. Pushing yourself further is key in progressing. Call your mother. Redefine what made you YOU before you ever felt the destruction someone took out on you. Learning from the past, you will be able to make a clear defined future. And then be thankful it isn't the holidays, because we'd all need way more liquor for that.

Loneliness

Today I caught myself in the "Woe, Woe Is Me's" as I like to call it. I was snarky at work because things didn't go my way. I was late to my vet appointment because my cat refused to cooperate. I came home and said to myself, "Why is this my life? Why is this happening to me?" I immediately snapped at myself and told myself not to be negative. But then I realized, it's okay to embrace the feelings that come with being mopey after an intense break up. So instead of wallowing in the puddle of my own self pity that I was going to indulge, I decided to document these feelings in hopes that it might ring true for someone else out there.

My now ex-husband and I were lab partners in undergrad. I fell in love with him immediately and knew he'd be the man I'd marry. So proud of my catch, we moved in together. We were married within a year. I loved him fiercely, with a passion so strong I shut everyone else out of my life completely. And that was my first flaw. Rescuing him from disaster after disaster, I thought that built our trust. I was always there for him when something didn't work. I rushed to his side to defend him in any struggle. But he was never there when I needed help, instead I was completely alone.

I had abandoned my family in hopes that it would bring my husband and I closer together. I decided to move six hours away to pursue furthering my education. I thought that the bad times were over and that we would be able to focus on our relationship and get things back to where they were. This was my next mistake. I thought that we would focus on building our relationship from that point. He assumed that we would get our relationship back to the point when we first met, when there were no wrongs or faults or broken promises. I stayed by his side, even when I knew it was wrong. But instead of listening to my gut, I listened to my heart. I stayed because he had given me the promise that we would grow together. That life that I had envisioned for us to have, the one I saw before us on our wedding day, it would all come true if I stayed. Or so I told myself.

Problems began to strip away the foundation of our relationship. This was my third mistake. Instead of communicating properly about how far we had grown apart in my first semester of graduate school, I decided to focus solely on the things he was not providing me. This made me resent him. Anything that he did to be nice was something he should have done, because what else would he be doing? It was wrong, I will admit it. However, he had strayed so far from the man that I fell in love with. He had lost his spark. He had lost all of the qualities about him that I had admired. I had fallen out of love with him. Instead of helping him build these qualities back up and help him find who he is, I let him push me away. I let him. And he was so convincing. We continued to grow farther apart through the next semester. It wasn't working. Neither of us were happy. 

We were divorced in a month.

Today, I thought of how much I miss him and the friend that I had in him. Never in my life have I felt more alone. I thought of how much I wish that he knew how hard I tried to break down his walls, but he never let me in. I fear he never will let anyone in. And that hurts. It hurts because I want him to be happy, even if that means I am not a part of his life anymore. Even if that means he won't take responsibility for any of the let downs and failures he put me through. Even if I have to be the villain in his story to get him the happy ending I want him to have. But the same goes for me as well. 

Is it fair that he decided to leave me here with nothing, in the middle of nowhere? No. But I understand his reasoning. He didn't know what else to do. Does that make me hate him? Yes, but I have forgiven the fact that he acted poorly in the situation because I had established myself as The Rescuer for the whole relationship. I was too giving, and required nothing in return. This was the setting and pretense of our love: that I would tolerate anything he could do to me because I loved him so fiercely. 

When he left me, I don't think he really thought I would file for divorce. I had really had it. I was done. I was exhausted of the drama and the heart ache. I deserved better. And I still do, maybe even more so now because after all of this, after all of the thought and the work I have had no choice but to put into myself, I can honestly say I am the woman he wanted me to be. But that is only because I know now what I did wrong. I let myself be treated poorly because I thought at the time that no one could possibly love me the way he did.

Being lonely is painful. It is an itch that cannot be scratched. It is torture. But in those moments where you realize that loneliness is healthy, that it is part of rebuilding, that it will get you where you need to go... Then, loneliness is not so bad. It is in these moments that I can see the damage I have done to myself, and to my ex-husband. It is in these moments that I find that what I had been looking for was self-assurance, not partnership.  It is in these moments that I am able to define where I want to go, now with nothing holding me back. 

Divorce is one of the most irritating and messy things I have ever experienced. I will never fully recover from admitting complete failure. But with that lesson, there is grace. The cold education of experience brings a certain sense of completeness. You have come so far since you said, "I Do." You have come so far from the dreams you set aside to plan for someone else. Now, we are in reality. Here, you make your own plans and build them however you see fit, on your own time. There are no check-ins, or asking for permission. You do your own will. And you never have to apologize for having one too many drinks with an old friend again.

A Break Up Playlist

Honestly, why is there not a "I'm in a Break Up" playlist anywhere? You'd think that all radio stations would have cashed in on this by now. However, I have devised my own playlist. Feel free to take some for yourself and post songs that have helped you in your own process. This is not a complete list, yet these are songs that I found devastatingly moving, painfully optimistic or downright just a good jam I like hearing.

1. Silver Spring- Fleetwood Mac: Stevie Nicks speaks to my soul. I really love her voice (who doesn't), her style and her strong willed ambition. But also, this song is viciously honest and held true to speak the story of my divorce.

2. Bled White- Elliot Smith: This song speaks of pouring it all out. Super great.

3. Beast of Burden- The Rolling Stones: This had been my anthem for years, until I in fact became a beast of burden. This song is magnificently catchy, makes the heartbreak not so obvious.

4. Night Still Comes- Neko Case: Neko Case is the bomb. Everything she does is amazing and this song in particular is awesome.

5. Werewolf- Fiona Apple: Because any break up that didn't get mended by Fiona Apple is a break up done wrong.

6. I Love You But I'm Lost- Sharon Van Etten: This song will make you cry. It's so beautifully honest, I didn't even know what to do with myself. The lyrics are something fierce, so good.

7. Gypsy- Fleetwood Mac: I love Stevie.

8. This Tornado Loves You- Neko Case: Because every break up comes with a little destruction.

9. Breezeblocks- Alt-J: Sweet jam.

10. Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene: Because we all love some Broken Social Scene.

11. For What It's Worth- Buffalo Springfield: You know why.

12. I Still Do- The Cranberries: Yep.

13. Have You Ever Seen the Rain- CCR: This is one of my favorite CCR songs and it's amazing.

14. Tiny Vessels- Death Cab for Cutie: Well, it's a depressing masterpiece.

15. Shame, Shame- Dr. Dog: It's a story, and you know it well.

16. Ooh La La- The Faces: Because we all wish we knew what we know now when we were younger.

17. Let It Die- Feist: This goes out to all my girls who just won't let it die. It's for the best.

18. Omission- John Frusciante: This song is pretty rad.

19. Ride- Lana Del Rey: The best when you're driving, but she captures that feeling you get when you just want to get away from it all, and we all do.

20. Your Legs Grow- Nada Surf: This song is beautiful.

21. Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd: We all know it hurts, but Pink Floyd will be there for you.

22. Many Shades of Black- The Raconteurs: There's many.

23. I Never- Rilo Kiley: Jenny Lewis is amazing. This song really pinpoints all the things we do to better ourselves for another.

24. Free Fallin'- Tom Petty: Nothing in divorce does not feel like a free fall.

25. Let Me Know- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It's cute and you know you love it.

The Stages of Dealing With Divorce

1. The Wit's End

This is that moment when you realize enough is enough. You have hit the limit of excessive disappointment and that meter is full. If you are unsure if you have reached this mark, then you haven't. It is clear. You watch the words come out of his mouth and don't want to hear anymore lies. You don't want to believe him anymore, and you see a clear pattern of all the broken promises stretched out like a string of lights at a party. You don't care about the apologies, or the promises, or the hope you held so desperately to for so long. You see the life you had planned for yourself to have, and look at what is in front of you and make the decision to say enough is enough. This is the end of all the hurt you were so willing to accept from him in the process of developing this relationship. You are done and the relationship is over.

2. Relief

This stage is incredibly short lived. Enjoy it while it lasts. This typically follows realizing that you are done with the relationship and that you are now free. And it is sweet. It's like all of the weight and baggage you have been dragging is lifted, and for just one second you can breathe again. You find yourself almost excited for the future because you know now nothing can hold you back. You are tired, but life is going on and it seems crazy that the time keeps passing. But in this, you know that this person can no longer hurt you, and there is hope in that. A hope that will shine through the rest of the work you have to do to rebuild your life.

3. The Blind Fury

Here, it can get dangerous. It is important to still maintain your integrity when you want to pull your ex's teeth out for all the terrible things they put you through. There is a lack of understanding from your counterpart's point of view and you absolutely no earthly idea how they could leave you in this situation with no remorse. You hate them, but you don't want to. This makes you more angry. Everything sets you off and you want to scream. It is best to use all of the pent up rage you hold inside in a positive manner. I suggest starting a new work out plan to avoid punching everyone you see in the face every time anyone asks you, "Are you okay?" No, of course you're not okay. You just wasted a chunk of your life on an idiot who didn't want to work half as hard as you at preserving the peace. Please show me another baby picture or tell me how you're getting engaged.

4. The Purge

It's healthy. This is a phase of rebirth and integrating that order you lost with your spouse. Go through all of your belongings and trash all the unneeded clutter that is in your life. Organize. Take out your vacuum attachments and clean everything. EVERYTHING. This is the chance to establish new rules for your life. Take advantage of it. After years of living with a caveman I trained to live indoors, this stage was far more therapeutic than I could ever have imagined it to be. And then you have clean baseboards.

5. The Reach Out

Now, you have some order in your life and you've completed all the projects you set aside for yourself. You take a step back and say, "Wow, I really got this together. Look at how well I'm handling this monstrosity of a situation." So you self-sabotage. This is a bad idea. Don't do it. But you already sent the text anyways, so... Back to the blind fury.

There are a few ways The Reach Out pans out.

Assurance:

This is the most healthy, and least likely of options. You speak to your ex and understand that the relationship is over and decide to move on. You know discussing the past is only going to bring up negative feelings and impede your healing process, so you decide against further contact until you have successfully moved on from the situation.

The Crawl Back:

Do not lose your spine. Crawling back only puts you right back where the mess was made and lets your ex think they have no work to do on the relationship. They will think that you take responsibility for the failure of the relationship and you are unworthy of their supreme presence. This will not happen in all cases, but if your marriage is over, let it die. You didn't arrive at this point for nothing. Remember all the fights that got you here in the first place. Yes, it is so easy to fall back into your old routine with this person that you built a life with, but it will precipitate quickly back to the same fight and then you do not pass go. Back to The Blind Fury and the process repeats.

The Explosion:

You will talk with your ex, exchange belongings, make snotty remarks regarding the blame game. And then BOOM, a repeat fight of all the issues in your relationship. Who really needs to re-hash all that worthless information about who wasn't good enough for whom whenever you are both trying to let bygones be bygones. This is more emotional stress than you need. Do not let this get to you. If you do, you have to start the healing process over again.

6. Acceptance

Acceptance is often saddening. You find yourself in a puddle of self pity as it becomes clear that it is time to move on. This comes in waves, mixed with a multitude of emotions that words cannot come close to exhibiting. This is not fun work. This is where your new loneliness becomes most apparent and that perfect smile that you've been hiding behind starts to crack. You know that there is no turning back at this point and a new chapter of life, not like you planned for, has appeared. This means change. No one openly welcomes change when they realize they have to do it alone. Especially when you had someone else to rely on, or often make life worse, when it came to figuring out the questions of life. You become more philosophical and introverted. You find that the meaningless conversations about the weather you have with strangers annoy you more than usual. You are irritable. This is part of the process. Finding out where you are going will become exciting in time, but right now it just looks like one more pile of rubbish your ex left you to figure out alone. Instead of being dark and gloomy, try to make the aspects of life you do not enjoy doing alone more exciting. For instance, sleeping alone was the worst. So instead of staying up thinking about all of life's problems staring at the ceiling, I tried doing yoga before bed and sleeping like a starfish to really take advantage of having all of the space, as opposed to that slobbering, snoring cover hog ruining my starfish mode skills. Make all the snarky comments about your ex to your friends, they will love you and understand. It helps relieve the stress when you get creative and joke about it. It will make you feel better about accepting the future, too.

7. The Feels

Unfortunately, feelings take the better part of you. There's doubt, where your mind is overwhelmed with the "What If's" and you find yourself in a sea of self questioning. There is blame, on yourself and you wish this person who you believed loved you more than anyone could imagine could just understand your perspective. You are in what seems to be the pitfall of rebuilding a new life. There is guilt. Guilt is destructive, and you must rise above. You will wish you acted differently, that you were more understanding, that you were a better lover, a better friend. This is not accurate. Review the downfall. You did everything you could have and then some, but did he appreciate it? Did he value you for the shining star you are? Did he support your personal growth and prepare for the future with you? Did he hold you close when you wanted to push him away and tell you that you were going to rise above all the trials of your life because YOU had the power to do so? No. You were overqualified and under appreciated. You are better off, even in this downfall of life. Even though everything feels like the shell of something that once was and you do not recognize the woman staring back at you in the mirror, do not let them take away your spark. You will rebuild. You will create the life you want, on your terms. Turn the guilt into the miracle you needed to push you to the next level, whether that be in your career, school, or motherhood. Take all the feelings of doubt and convert them into opportunities to succeed. You owe it to yourself to be better. Own it.

8. The Phoenix

Go buy yourself some brand new, expensive red pumps. Here is where you rise from the ashes of the burdens of your own pain and set the world on fire. You will be all you wanted to be and then some, running the show with the iron fist of not taking any more nonsense. Here you will be what you never thought you would be, the woman of strength, commitment and purpose that you never felt the will to do so when you spent your life in someone else's shadow. You will look back on all the other steps and say it built you into this vixen you are today. You will smile when you remember the cruel teacher only experience can build us to be. You made it. You created this. You rebuilt. And it never felt so sweet as accomplishing everything regardless of the trials that were set before you. Against the odds, against all the negativity, you chose to rise above and find your place. You are a model among both men and women. You harbor a passion that only those who have been through your struggles will understand. Don't let that flame burn out. You have done it. You are free.