Loneliness

Today I caught myself in the "Woe, Woe Is Me's" as I like to call it. I was snarky at work because things didn't go my way. I was late to my vet appointment because my cat refused to cooperate. I came home and said to myself, "Why is this my life? Why is this happening to me?" I immediately snapped at myself and told myself not to be negative. But then I realized, it's okay to embrace the feelings that come with being mopey after an intense break up. So instead of wallowing in the puddle of my own self pity that I was going to indulge, I decided to document these feelings in hopes that it might ring true for someone else out there.

My now ex-husband and I were lab partners in undergrad. I fell in love with him immediately and knew he'd be the man I'd marry. So proud of my catch, we moved in together. We were married within a year. I loved him fiercely, with a passion so strong I shut everyone else out of my life completely. And that was my first flaw. Rescuing him from disaster after disaster, I thought that built our trust. I was always there for him when something didn't work. I rushed to his side to defend him in any struggle. But he was never there when I needed help, instead I was completely alone.

I had abandoned my family in hopes that it would bring my husband and I closer together. I decided to move six hours away to pursue furthering my education. I thought that the bad times were over and that we would be able to focus on our relationship and get things back to where they were. This was my next mistake. I thought that we would focus on building our relationship from that point. He assumed that we would get our relationship back to the point when we first met, when there were no wrongs or faults or broken promises. I stayed by his side, even when I knew it was wrong. But instead of listening to my gut, I listened to my heart. I stayed because he had given me the promise that we would grow together. That life that I had envisioned for us to have, the one I saw before us on our wedding day, it would all come true if I stayed. Or so I told myself.

Problems began to strip away the foundation of our relationship. This was my third mistake. Instead of communicating properly about how far we had grown apart in my first semester of graduate school, I decided to focus solely on the things he was not providing me. This made me resent him. Anything that he did to be nice was something he should have done, because what else would he be doing? It was wrong, I will admit it. However, he had strayed so far from the man that I fell in love with. He had lost his spark. He had lost all of the qualities about him that I had admired. I had fallen out of love with him. Instead of helping him build these qualities back up and help him find who he is, I let him push me away. I let him. And he was so convincing. We continued to grow farther apart through the next semester. It wasn't working. Neither of us were happy. 

We were divorced in a month.

Today, I thought of how much I miss him and the friend that I had in him. Never in my life have I felt more alone. I thought of how much I wish that he knew how hard I tried to break down his walls, but he never let me in. I fear he never will let anyone in. And that hurts. It hurts because I want him to be happy, even if that means I am not a part of his life anymore. Even if that means he won't take responsibility for any of the let downs and failures he put me through. Even if I have to be the villain in his story to get him the happy ending I want him to have. But the same goes for me as well. 

Is it fair that he decided to leave me here with nothing, in the middle of nowhere? No. But I understand his reasoning. He didn't know what else to do. Does that make me hate him? Yes, but I have forgiven the fact that he acted poorly in the situation because I had established myself as The Rescuer for the whole relationship. I was too giving, and required nothing in return. This was the setting and pretense of our love: that I would tolerate anything he could do to me because I loved him so fiercely. 

When he left me, I don't think he really thought I would file for divorce. I had really had it. I was done. I was exhausted of the drama and the heart ache. I deserved better. And I still do, maybe even more so now because after all of this, after all of the thought and the work I have had no choice but to put into myself, I can honestly say I am the woman he wanted me to be. But that is only because I know now what I did wrong. I let myself be treated poorly because I thought at the time that no one could possibly love me the way he did.

Being lonely is painful. It is an itch that cannot be scratched. It is torture. But in those moments where you realize that loneliness is healthy, that it is part of rebuilding, that it will get you where you need to go... Then, loneliness is not so bad. It is in these moments that I can see the damage I have done to myself, and to my ex-husband. It is in these moments that I find that what I had been looking for was self-assurance, not partnership.  It is in these moments that I am able to define where I want to go, now with nothing holding me back. 

Divorce is one of the most irritating and messy things I have ever experienced. I will never fully recover from admitting complete failure. But with that lesson, there is grace. The cold education of experience brings a certain sense of completeness. You have come so far since you said, "I Do." You have come so far from the dreams you set aside to plan for someone else. Now, we are in reality. Here, you make your own plans and build them however you see fit, on your own time. There are no check-ins, or asking for permission. You do your own will. And you never have to apologize for having one too many drinks with an old friend again.