1. The Wit's End
This is that moment when you realize enough is enough. You have hit the limit of excessive disappointment and that meter is full. If you are unsure if you have reached this mark, then you haven't. It is clear. You watch the words come out of his mouth and don't want to hear anymore lies. You don't want to believe him anymore, and you see a clear pattern of all the broken promises stretched out like a string of lights at a party. You don't care about the apologies, or the promises, or the hope you held so desperately to for so long. You see the life you had planned for yourself to have, and look at what is in front of you and make the decision to say enough is enough. This is the end of all the hurt you were so willing to accept from him in the process of developing this relationship. You are done and the relationship is over.
2. Relief
This stage is incredibly short lived. Enjoy it while it lasts. This typically follows realizing that you are done with the relationship and that you are now free. And it is sweet. It's like all of the weight and baggage you have been dragging is lifted, and for just one second you can breathe again. You find yourself almost excited for the future because you know now nothing can hold you back. You are tired, but life is going on and it seems crazy that the time keeps passing. But in this, you know that this person can no longer hurt you, and there is hope in that. A hope that will shine through the rest of the work you have to do to rebuild your life.
3. The Blind Fury
Here, it can get dangerous. It is important to still maintain your integrity when you want to pull your ex's teeth out for all the terrible things they put you through. There is a lack of understanding from your counterpart's point of view and you absolutely no earthly idea how they could leave you in this situation with no remorse. You hate them, but you don't want to. This makes you more angry. Everything sets you off and you want to scream. It is best to use all of the pent up rage you hold inside in a positive manner. I suggest starting a new work out plan to avoid punching everyone you see in the face every time anyone asks you, "Are you okay?" No, of course you're not okay. You just wasted a chunk of your life on an idiot who didn't want to work half as hard as you at preserving the peace. Please show me another baby picture or tell me how you're getting engaged.
4. The Purge
It's healthy. This is a phase of rebirth and integrating that order you lost with your spouse. Go through all of your belongings and trash all the unneeded clutter that is in your life. Organize. Take out your vacuum attachments and clean everything. EVERYTHING. This is the chance to establish new rules for your life. Take advantage of it. After years of living with a caveman I trained to live indoors, this stage was far more therapeutic than I could ever have imagined it to be. And then you have clean baseboards.
5. The Reach Out
Now, you have some order in your life and you've completed all the projects you set aside for yourself. You take a step back and say, "Wow, I really got this together. Look at how well I'm handling this monstrosity of a situation." So you self-sabotage. This is a bad idea. Don't do it. But you already sent the text anyways, so... Back to the blind fury.
There are a few ways The Reach Out pans out.
Assurance:
This is the most healthy, and least likely of options. You speak to your ex and understand that the relationship is over and decide to move on. You know discussing the past is only going to bring up negative feelings and impede your healing process, so you decide against further contact until you have successfully moved on from the situation.
The Crawl Back:
Do not lose your spine. Crawling back only puts you right back where the mess was made and lets your ex think they have no work to do on the relationship. They will think that you take responsibility for the failure of the relationship and you are unworthy of their supreme presence. This will not happen in all cases, but if your marriage is over, let it die. You didn't arrive at this point for nothing. Remember all the fights that got you here in the first place. Yes, it is so easy to fall back into your old routine with this person that you built a life with, but it will precipitate quickly back to the same fight and then you do not pass go. Back to The Blind Fury and the process repeats.
The Explosion:
You will talk with your ex, exchange belongings, make snotty remarks regarding the blame game. And then BOOM, a repeat fight of all the issues in your relationship. Who really needs to re-hash all that worthless information about who wasn't good enough for whom whenever you are both trying to let bygones be bygones. This is more emotional stress than you need. Do not let this get to you. If you do, you have to start the healing process over again.
6. Acceptance
Acceptance is often saddening. You find yourself in a puddle of self pity as it becomes clear that it is time to move on. This comes in waves, mixed with a multitude of emotions that words cannot come close to exhibiting. This is not fun work. This is where your new loneliness becomes most apparent and that perfect smile that you've been hiding behind starts to crack. You know that there is no turning back at this point and a new chapter of life, not like you planned for, has appeared. This means change. No one openly welcomes change when they realize they have to do it alone. Especially when you had someone else to rely on, or often make life worse, when it came to figuring out the questions of life. You become more philosophical and introverted. You find that the meaningless conversations about the weather you have with strangers annoy you more than usual. You are irritable. This is part of the process. Finding out where you are going will become exciting in time, but right now it just looks like one more pile of rubbish your ex left you to figure out alone. Instead of being dark and gloomy, try to make the aspects of life you do not enjoy doing alone more exciting. For instance, sleeping alone was the worst. So instead of staying up thinking about all of life's problems staring at the ceiling, I tried doing yoga before bed and sleeping like a starfish to really take advantage of having all of the space, as opposed to that slobbering, snoring cover hog ruining my starfish mode skills. Make all the snarky comments about your ex to your friends, they will love you and understand. It helps relieve the stress when you get creative and joke about it. It will make you feel better about accepting the future, too.
7. The Feels
Unfortunately, feelings take the better part of you. There's doubt, where your mind is overwhelmed with the "What If's" and you find yourself in a sea of self questioning. There is blame, on yourself and you wish this person who you believed loved you more than anyone could imagine could just understand your perspective. You are in what seems to be the pitfall of rebuilding a new life. There is guilt. Guilt is destructive, and you must rise above. You will wish you acted differently, that you were more understanding, that you were a better lover, a better friend. This is not accurate. Review the downfall. You did everything you could have and then some, but did he appreciate it? Did he value you for the shining star you are? Did he support your personal growth and prepare for the future with you? Did he hold you close when you wanted to push him away and tell you that you were going to rise above all the trials of your life because YOU had the power to do so? No. You were overqualified and under appreciated. You are better off, even in this downfall of life. Even though everything feels like the shell of something that once was and you do not recognize the woman staring back at you in the mirror, do not let them take away your spark. You will rebuild. You will create the life you want, on your terms. Turn the guilt into the miracle you needed to push you to the next level, whether that be in your career, school, or motherhood. Take all the feelings of doubt and convert them into opportunities to succeed. You owe it to yourself to be better. Own it.
8. The Phoenix
Go buy yourself some brand new, expensive red pumps. Here is where you rise from the ashes of the burdens of your own pain and set the world on fire. You will be all you wanted to be and then some, running the show with the iron fist of not taking any more nonsense. Here you will be what you never thought you would be, the woman of strength, commitment and purpose that you never felt the will to do so when you spent your life in someone else's shadow. You will look back on all the other steps and say it built you into this vixen you are today. You will smile when you remember the cruel teacher only experience can build us to be. You made it. You created this. You rebuilt. And it never felt so sweet as accomplishing everything regardless of the trials that were set before you. Against the odds, against all the negativity, you chose to rise above and find your place. You are a model among both men and women. You harbor a passion that only those who have been through your struggles will understand. Don't let that flame burn out. You have done it. You are free.
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