Progress is Progress

Patience is a virtue I never exercised properly with relationships. I always thought that when it felt right, it felt right. I never let myself believe that I had seen the red flags with my ex-husband until I got away from him. Then, and then only, it became so clear that I had seen the impending doom for so long it felt like I had willed it to happen.

Red Flag #1: Financial Dependence

He was ambitious when I met him. I thought that he would take me great places, that we would build an empire together, fulfill our dreams and make a great life. It was perfect in the beginning. I couldn't have been more swept off my feet. But then problems began to arise. He fell into financial trouble. I ran to save the day, calling on all favors from friends, taking loans out to pay for his failures. I thought this was just a bad string of luck and we would surpass the struggles and carry on. Men who cannot manage their own messes make terrible partners. This was the number one reason for our arguments, and my loss of faith in him.

Red Flag #2: Emotional Disconnect

My ex was the strong and silent type. I thought he reminded me of my father in that sense. But, I was very wrong. Strong and silent does not mean completely unwilling to communicate or mend issues with their partner. Very early in the relationship I noticed this, and addressed it. However, I knew myself and my needs in a partner, in which I should've seen that he would never be able to emotionally connect with me on the intimate level I desired.

Red Flag #3: Inability to Pursue Desires

The main reason I stopped being attracted to my ex was due to the fact that I had set out to catch the world on fire, and he had every intention to get there, except needed my push. I helped him with his applications to graduate school, paid for their submissions with my own loan debt, and supported him after we relocated to pursue my education. He decided he didn't want to work for the first few months, while I carried the burden myself, working through graduate school even though it was killing my grades. He chose not to help me, when I needed him the most. He fell victim to his own sorrows, but it really wasn't enough of an excuse. When he found out he had been rejected from graduate school, things went from bad to worse and ended in our messy split.

Red Flag #4: Untreated Mental Illness

I really didn't see this peep its' ugly head until the very end, but I knew it all along. My ex-husband had a way of fabricating past events into the story he wanted it to be and then believing that instead of the actual course of events. We had trouble, yes, and I did and said things I am surely not proud of. However, he did his equal share. He seems to forget how awful he was through the course of our relationship, and holds me accountable for his bad behavior. Honestly, I acted poorly because I did not sign up to be a mother in marrying him. I needed a partner and I didn't know how to convince a 30 year old man to "Man Up." He resented me for this, and still acts like everything I did wrong was completely mean spirited and malicious, but when he went off the deep end and said terrible things, I should think that is funny. The farther I get away from him, I see his familial inherited untreated bipolar disorder. I begged him to seek help, but he was so hung up on getting a diagnosis, that he didn't ever want to treat it. He is convinced that the raging ups and downs are normal life, and doesn't believe that treating the illness would make it better. I only wish he loved me enough to know how wrong that is to do to your partner.

Red Flag #5: The Double Standard

It is wrong to hold yourself on different ground rules than your partner. My ex-husband lived by a different code: He could do no wrong, and I would never live up to his standards. I poured out everything for this man. I lost friends, family, and opportunities so I could make him happier. I tried so hard to put myself second for so long, I finally exploded. This is the mind-scrambler, the most dangerous of relationships. They mess your head up into believing that what you are is never good enough, and then POP, you can't take it anymore. When I realized what had happened, and how much I really resented him for thinking that he was in the right, I thought I was going to catch on fire from the sheer anger. I bought myself an engagement ring because he couldn't get even that together. I'm serious, stay away from the mind scramblers. They are a messy lot no one deserves.

Believe the red flags you see. It's not worth a lifetime of misery to stay with someone just because you honored them in marriage. Looking at the situation from an outside perspective has given me the strength to never go back to that situation. He took so much advantage of my love for him that I know for certain he will never meet someone again that would do as much as I did for him. And I pray the universe never brings me anyone as cruel and heartless as he is ever again. Hold fast in your strength, fight through the anger and the pain because it will be worth it to get away from it. People who do not make you feel like yourself when you are with them are not people that deserve to be in your life. Devastating all your bridges is not worth it for someone else. Be you. Make yourself whole. No one  else will ever bring you that satisfaction. Love is dangerous, and we need to be on guard for letting people into our lives who do not belong there. After all, you are the only person you ever have to wake up next to ever again. Enjoy it.